Ego mastery creates an environment of trust.
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Executive isolation remains a key challenge across many industries, with nearly half of CEOs reporting feelings of loneliness. At first glance, the saying that “it’s lonely at the top” seems to hold true. However, in my two decades working with CEOs, I’ve come to believe that this loneliness is not a given but a choice, albeit often an unconscious one. When leaders operate from ego—judging, blaming, and getting defensive—they tend to push people away and find themselves increasingly alone. The good news is that ego mastery for leaders can be learned—and with it, relationships open up, trust builds, and the loneliness lifts.
What Happens When Leaders Park Their Egos
I’ve seen thousands of CEOs transformed by mastering their egos. One story stands out in particular: a CEO who was on the brink of being fired because of her ego-talk behaviors. After a particularly tough meeting with her board, she came to me, defensive and ready to complain. She was in full fight mode, ready for battle.
First, I validated her feelings of frustration using the MVE (Mirror, Validate, Empathize) technique, telling her that I would likely feel the same way if I were in her shoes. This allowed her to park her ego so we could have a productive conversation. Then, I worked with her on a thirty-day plan with two core objectives: prevent her from being fired and help her show up as a more inspired leader.
The first step of this plan was incredibly challenging for her. She went back and apologized to every board member for her ego-driven behavior. It took courage, but by owning her actions, she stopped blaming others and started leading. Years later, she’s still in the CEO chair, backed by a board that trusts her and leading a team that delivers remarkable results.
Three Tools for Ego Mastery for Leaders
Your thoughts and feelings are not always the truth. When you can learn to observe them without letting them govern your words and actions, you’re one step closer to ego mastery. When working with clients, there are a few tools I propose to help them make this change.
First, there’s the “Teflon shield.” When someone comes at you with anger or frustration, remind yourself that it’s their ego talking, not their best self. Instead of absorbing it, put up a mental shield, tap into your own empathy, and help them back to a positive state.
You can help them back to that positive state using techniques like MVE, which I used with the CEO described above. Mirror back what they’re saying, validate their feelings, and then empathize. Most people have never experienced this kind of listening, and it tends to disarm them, immediately shifting the tone from one of conflict to one of open conversation.
Finally, you have to be able to manage not only others’ egos but also your own. That’s where CVA (caring, vulnerable, assertive) can help. Lead with care and tell them they and their opinions matter; exhibit vulnerability by sharing your feelings without assigning blame; and then be assertive, making a clear and specific request. When combined with MVE, the CVA approach can be remarkably effective at rebuilding trust and promoting communication.
Ego Mastery Is an Active, Constant Practice
Ego mastery for leaders is something that you have to practice continuously. There is no end destination here. Also, beware that it’s not something that can be achieved 100% of the time. It simply isn’t humanly possible to park your ego 24/7. Eighty percent is a realistic goal. When your ego does show up, apologize (as the CEO in the story did), learn from it, and move on.
When you exhibit such ego mastery consistently, you are setting an example for those you lead and creating greater trust within your organization. This can help close the distance between you and those around you. You can then begin to appreciate that the adage “it’s lonely at the top” isn’t a given.